We've Moved!
The NEW "Skip's House of Chaos" can be found
March 14, 2008
HAPPY PI DAY!
1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
9. I will wear *white* clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.
10. If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting weird, I will go to bars which cater to that sort of clientele. It would make it more difficult for the hero to pick me out of the crowd.
11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?
12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.
14. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
15. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient.
17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two-bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
20. I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumberyard.
21. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.
23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me.
24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la."
26. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
27. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.
28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidentally cuts himself.
30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.
33. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.
34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
35. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably...
36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.
38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.
41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.
44. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.
47a. And, if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).
48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtedly be ways to destroy me.
49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.
50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.
52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines, they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.
53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.
54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.
55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me.
57. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.
58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.
59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a useful skill.
60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.
61. I will make lots of long-term investments.
61a. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonalds instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk.
62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heroes.
63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
64. I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
65. If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages conferred by that particular location.
66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mail bombs.
67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.
68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong.
March 13, 2008
I'll say this for Olbermann - he doesn't pull punches, even if his Special Comment deals with Democrats and (possibly former) supporters. His remarks regarding Geraldine Ferraro's "Obama wouldn't be here if he wasn't black" are, as usual, surgically precise, well thought out, and true.
In the "Why-didn't-I-think-of-that" category... Penutensils!
March 12, 2008
The following is courtesy of the ever-popular, award-winning, I-taught-him-everything-he-knows Tim Hunter:
March 11, 2008
Geek Life Progression Flowchart (courtesy of the New York Times)
March 10, 2008
Quote of the Day:
"Saying that Hillary has Executive Branch experience is like saying Yoko Ono was a Beatle," - Kos commenter, Jsn.
March 9, 2008
Man, these guys should send me some free stuff...
This is Probably the Greatest Idea for ANYTHING, Ever
Coolest-est (see below) 
March 8, 2008
BSG - What the Frak is Going On? (Official Recap, S1-S3)
March 7, 2008
Nooooooooooooo!
And, in today's "Helpful Hints" category...
32 "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
31 "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
30 "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
29 "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
28 "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
27 "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
26 "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Rosie O'Donnell!"
25 "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
24 "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
23 "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
22 "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
21 "Got milk?"
20 "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
19 "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
18 "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
17 "I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that's a reason to celebrate, too."
16 "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 2003 where you left it."
15 "Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at half-time."
14 "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas."
13 "Honey -- Come show the guys your penguin impression!"
12 "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"
11 "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
10 "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"
9 "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
8 "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"
7 "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"
6 "That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"
5 "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."
4 "Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support."
3 "Yo, Chubs! You're blocking the TV!"
2 "No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?"
and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
1 "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
March 6, 2008
Cool
Cooler
Coolest
Bill Clinton Endorses Barack Obama
Now that the writer’s strike is over, are you wondering when your favorite TV shows are coming back?
- Battlestar Galactia (April 4 @ 10pm. Frak party at my place)
- Boston Legal (April 8, 6 episodes)
- Desperate Housewives (April 13, 5 episodes plus two-hour finale)
- Brothers & Sisters (April 20, 4 episodes)
- Ugly Betty (April 24, 5 episodes)
- Grey’s Anatomy (April 24, 5 episodes)
- Lost (April 24, 5 episodes)
- Women’s Murder Club (April, 3 episodes)
- Medium (will continue its current run)
Saturday Night Live (returns Feb. 23)- My Name Is Earl (returns April 3)
- 30 Rock (returns April 10)
- ER (returns April 10)
- Scrubs (returns April 10)
- The Office (returns April 10)
- Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (returns April 15)
- Law & Order (returns April 23)
- Two and a Half Men (March 17, 9 new episodes)
- How I Met Your Mother (March 17, 9 new episodes)
- The Big Bang Theory (March 17, 9 new episodes)
- CSI: Miami (March 24, 8 new episodes)
- Cold Case (March 30, 5 new episodes)
- Criminal Minds (April 2, 7 new episodes)
- CSI: NY (April 2, 7 new episodes)
- Without a Trace (April 3, 6 new episodes)
- CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (April 3, 6 new episodes)
- Ghost Whisperer (April 4, 6 new episodes)
- Numb3rs (April 4, 6 new episodes)
- NCIS (April 8, 7 new episodes)
- Moonlight (April 11, 4 new episodes)
- Rules of Engagement (April 14, 6 new episodes)
- Bones (returns April 14)
- Back to You (returns April 16)
- ‘Til Death (returns April 16)
- House (returns April 21)
- Unhitched (premieres March 2)
- New Amsterdam (premieres March 4)
- Canterbury’s Law (premieres March 10)
- The Return of Jezebel James (premieres March 14)
- Hell’s Kitchen (new season April 1)
- The Game (March 23, 9 new episodes)
One Tree Hill (April 14, 6 new episodes)- Smallville (April 17, 5 new episodes)
- Gossip Girl (April 21, 5 new episodes)
- Reaper (April 22, 5 new episodes)
- Supernatural (April 24, 4 new episodes)
Next Season
- Private Practice
- Pushing Daisies
- Dirty Sexy Money
- 24 (returns January 2009)
- Heroes
- Chuck
- Life
Thought for the day:
A dog truly is man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
March 5, 2008
Okay, so I was wrong. I prophesied that Obama would win Texas and Ohio, and that Hillary would drop out of the race today. If this were Old Testament times, I'd be dodging rocks right about now. Anyway, looks like the next big one will be in Pennsylvania next month.
So Mrs. Clinton, since you're bound and determined to drag this out for at least another six weeks, how about showing us your damn tax returns?
I got a kick out of this quote yesterday: Clinton: (Ohio) "...a state that knows how to pick a president!" Yeah. They certainly "knew how" to pick Bush.
Okay, enough for today. Let's get back to the SERIOUS stuff...
March 4, 2008
Lots of political stuff going on today. I'll comment later. For now, have a laugh...
"When Small Lizards Attack!"
March 3, 2008
Movie Review - "Vantage Point"
Whew. I was NOT disappointed. “Vantage Point” is just the sort of nonstop, action-packed, sit-on-the-edge-of-your-seat, remember-to-breathe movies that should be made a lot more often.
Dennis Quaid puts out one of his best performances since “The Big Easy” as Thomas Barnes, a Secret Service agent charged with the protection of the President of the United States (William Hurt). The viewer tries to unravel an assassination attempt during a summit meeting in Spain by watching it from eight separate view (or “vantage,” get it?) points.
Forest Whitaker is a mild-mannered tourist who believes he has captured the shooter on a camcorder. He’s brilliant as the everyday guy who becomes a hero, and Sigourney Weaver plays the on-the-scene TV producer expertly covering mayhem, including the subsequent bombings in the crowded outdoor plaza.
Other performances of note are Matthew Fox (“Lost”) as Quaid’s partner, Zoë Saldana as the rattled TV reporter and Edgar Ramirez, Ayelet Zurer and Said Taghmahoul as the conspirators. But it’s Alicia Zapien who damn near steals the show from all of these seasoned actors as a little Spanish girl named Anna. The movie keeps jumping back several minutes to show the scene through the eyes of the different participants. Important tip: stock up on the popcorn and drinks, and go to the bathroom before the show begins, because every story reveals another plot twist and if you miss one scene, it’ll be almost impossible to fit everything together.
Incredible car chases, “who-done-it” scenarios and plot twists make this is a movie you absolutely should see.
But remember to breathe.
March 2, 2008
Marching in like a lion... the question of the age is not who will be our next president, but rather, who does Gollum look more like. You choose:
Amy Winehouse?
or one of the spooky Olson twins?
Also, is it just me, or have the Olson twins gone from sexy to creepy in record time?
Just askin'
February 29, 2008
It's Leap Day, troops! Traditionally, it's the day when women can propose to men, and let me tell you, the offers have just been POURING in.
On the political front, looks like Georgie was a little miffed at last night's press conference.
What's next? Holding his breath until he turns blue?
Moron.
And, finally, in homage to three of my good friends - Ron (the Canadian), Andy ("Grasshopper," the Brit) and Spock (the Aussie), I thought it might be educational to look at some cultural differences between the four of us:
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for British when abroad.
Canadians: Dislike being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
British: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
British: Believe you should look after only people who are family.
Americans: Believe people should look after and care for themselves.
Canadians: Believe that it's the governments job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
British: Don't sing at all, but prefer a large band to play their anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their time glued to the TV.
Canadians: Don't........ but only because they can't get more American channels.
British: Pay a tax so they can watch just four channels.
Aussies: Export all their TV programs which no-one watches there to Britain where everyone loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about Football, Baseball and Basketball.
British: Will jabber on incessantly about Soccer, Cricket and Rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about Hockey, Hockey, hockey and about how they beat America twice at Baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the British at every sport they play.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
British: Pronounce words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the British, but pronounce like the Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'Day" and "Mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
British: Shop at home and have goods imported, because they live on an Island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported, because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak piss-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong piss-tasting beer.
British: Drink warm beer-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with a semblance of alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to think that wealth and success are morally suspect.
British: Seem to think wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after a few beers.
I hope this helps clear up a few things
February 28, 2008
Looks like it's make or break time for the wife of the Best President We've Ever Had. Even the Big Dog said that, if she doesn't win Texas AND Ohio, she's finished.
(insert short giggle here)
(extra jab to Donna, Barri, Solomon and Uncle Mel)
Either way, one of these kids is going to be our next President
Any bets?
February 27, 2008
The largest earthquake to hit the United Kingdom in two decades happened this morning. Here is an image of the sad aftermath:
February 26, 2008
Attitude is Everything
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well,” she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today?”
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
“Hmmm,” she said, “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.”
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
“Well,” she said, “today I’m going to wear my hair in a ponytail.”
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head.
“YES!” she exclaimed, “I don’t have to fix my hair today!”
Attitude is everything.
- Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
- Live simply,
- Love generously,
- Care deeply,
- Speak kindly…….
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.
And, now that we've dispensed with the touchy-feely crap...
February 24, 2008
I'm sitting in the President's Club at Honolulu International Airport, waiting for our redeye flight back to LAX.
The last couple of days have been awesome. We took the helicopter tour of Hawai'i Island yesterday and saw the active volcano (with the liquid hot magma),
...over the open ocean and saw some humpback whales and their calves,
...and even a downed WW2 bomber
We flew to Honolulu last night. Today, we went to Pearl Harbor and the Arizona Memorial, and then the boys took surfing lessons at Waikiki Beach 
All in all, a great trip. Probably the best vacation I've ever had. But we're all ready to come home. We're taking the day off tomorrow and then back to work (and school) on Tuesday. More pictures from the trip can be found here.
Aloha, Hawai'i!
February 23, 2008
Lucky took us on the long tour around the Big Island yesterday, driving across Saddle Road - apparently named because it drives between the two big mountains, Mauna Kea ("White Mountain") and Mauna Loa ("Long Mountain")
Up to this point, I always thought "Mauna Loa" meant "Chocolate Macadamia Nut."
Mauna Loa is the largest mountain in the world - not the highest, but the largest. In fact, you could take the entire Appalachian mountain chain AND the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and their entire combined mass is less than Mauna Loa. Fat ass mountain, huh?
From there we went to the Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park.
We couldn't get too close, because the Kilauea Caldera was belching out a lot of Sulfur Dioxide, but we were still able to see quite a bit. 
Anyway, we're doing a helicopter tour of the Big Island later this morning, and then flying to Oahu this afternoon for a one-day stay until heading back tomorrow night.
A couple of more things I learned from Lucky about the Big Island - apparently there's a move afoot to stop calling it "the Big Island," and start referring to it by its actual name, Hawai'i. Also, the pronunciation is different for the State versus the Big Island. The Island is pronounced "Ha-WAH-ee" and the State is pronounced "Ha-VAH-ee."
There. You just added 20 minutes to your life by learning something new.
And, on a totally unrelated note - here's an advertisement for the Best Job Title Ever:
February 21, 2008
Just a quick posting to let you all know I'm not dead. Yet.
At Kia's taro farm in Waipi'o Valley 
Me & Kia
We went to the Hawaii caucus on Tuesday. In Honokaa, they usually have between 8 and 38 people who attended. Tuesday night there were HUNDREDS. So many that they ran out of Democratic Registration Forms. Gay had to go to her office and run off an additional 200. Pretty much everybody was backin' Barack, too.
Today, we went boogie boarding at Hapuna Beach on the west side of the Island. 
I tried body surfing. Once. Did a TOTAL face plant.
And William got sunburned, even after being slathered with SPF-50.
The only one unscathed was Jack (grrrrrrr)
And, finally, in this week's "Write Your Own Caption" contest:
PAST ISSUES OF SKIP'S HOUSE OF CHAOS
